Girls Night Out / Cut it off part 1

A friend of mine cracked me up with this story some odd years ago. She said she and her girls were going out to let off some steam on a cold winter's Friday in some little town in Wisconsin from the long week. Not exactly looking to hook up but not turning down the “sponge-worthy” gentlemen if his game was well intact. The objectives were dancing, flirting, giggling and wiggling certain body parts. One of them even had a science experiment for the night, rubbing some of the “kitty juice” ( as they called it ) on her neck to see if it really did attract the opposite sex. She said it was like luring moths to a flame hell even some women were taking the bait.

So from house to house getting ready, the checks are set. Breath, perfume, chin boobs, tight pants or that skirt that she has to keep pulling down with every 3^rd step and hair and nails just done. so when they walk in giggling and making them tits bounce while looking around like they are searching for someone it catches the desired attention ( you know the walk ), the women instantly start hating and the men starting circling like sharks. So it begins and they are out dancing and it seems she has caught the attention of this certain cat, they have been bumping and grinding through a good portion of songs, and she said she could tell he was wanting more and she wasn't objecting. He was tall, smelled good and didn't talk too much and she could feel him and she was wanting...

We all know how the late night scramble goes though, the lights are about to come on and everyone is trying to scramble to get those numbers before the club lets out, basically trying to finalize the deals. The lines to the bathroom aren't long anymore because people are already done fucking (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about either ). So while smiling to her girls, ( this is the signal ) she takes his hand and they head on out of the club into better lights...the street lights.

It is here where the game has to be on point because of its moment of truth. So they were walking out in the parking lot out to her car and her girls weren't far behind with nice prospects. So he spins her around to get a good look at each other and she can feel a flirty smile come across her face. She noticed that he did this on purpose, he lined his nose hair with his mustache. Yes, it actually came out and down and meshed in. Now, remember this is in the thick of winter and while they are talking and she's not trying to stare, all of his facial hair is catching plenty of snow. So it's now that her girls have noticed this and some of the guys have as well. Unfortunately, there is no continuation because she gave her girl a look to come up with some excuse and they spent time at IHOP laughing at the whole situation.

Happy Birthday

She told me about time when she was married once, a birthday present that her (then) husband put together for her. He took her to a hotel and led her into the room which was completely dark and she could feel another presence in there, but she trusted her husband with a smile on her face. He removed her clothes and then kissed her on the forehead and said one last thing, "Happy Birthday baby".

She was guided to this table in the middle of the room, she was excited that he had gone through so much just for her on her birthday, which was a impressive change. She could smell the mixture of cologne and perfume, which confused her but still she said nothing.

There was no talking, she even mildly said, "Hello" but got nothing back and that alone scared her. Eventually she felt more pairs of warm hands on her body. Some large and strong and some soft and smaller. All of them slowly running along her body. From gently massaging the temples on her head, to the rubbing her cheeks on her face. She could could feel a gentle touch caressing her breasts, and very similar but eager ones rubbing her inner thighs, it felt like they were trying to pace themselves, slowly making their ways to where it was warmer, but going back to the outside of the thigh.

She just focused on trying to breath smooth, and trying to enjoy all that she felt. Finally one of them touched her clit and she felt her body ignite! It was a little rougher than she had usually experienced but still okay. The threshold was being pushed, someone was looking for her sweet spot with their long thick fingers. She didn't think that anyone expected for her to be one of the legendary "rain-women" because as soon as they went looking, a pool of sauce slid out on the table and her cheeks were sliding together.

She had by now lost count as to how many pairs of hands were working her, pulling her hair, massaging her breasts and nipples, squeezing her thighs, and arms, working her clit and her g-spot. She tried biting her lip to keep from screaming, everything was happening all at once but really slow, driving her insane. She was used to getting what she wanted when she wanted so now she was on the time table of everyone who was working her over, and they all seemed to have that slow agenda going on. Painful agony.

She finally let loose, and spray and wiggle and twitched uncontrollably. Never any kisses of any kind just hands some large, some small, all beautifully crafted a very memorable birthday present that she still day dreams about.

Never Have Anal Sex after a Fish Dinner

 Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning.
Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

We hadn’t been dating that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been dating a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, “Use your whole fist for Christ’s sake.”

On one now infamous date night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upscale seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert “was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch,” she said. I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DUI, during the drive back to my place.
By the time we got into my apartment, we were tearing each other’s clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious ass to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard cock missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my cock began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me.
“No. In my ass,” she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time.
“Are you sure,” I asked?
She giggled as she said, “If I could handle last night. . .”

Oh yeah, I thought. Last night’s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her asshole with her own pussy juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely stink-star. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her ass-cheeks.
“Go slowly,” she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her ass-iris, I slowly began inserting again.

“Yeeeeees!” she moaned and began diddling her clit. Soon she said, “Faster.” So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my cock became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her clit like she was trying to start a friction-fire in her pussy.
“Gnnnnnnnah!” she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that ass even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter.
“Gnnnnnahstoooop,” she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster.
“YES!” I screamed.

She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy―
“―Stop!” she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed. The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my cock out of her ass like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my cock coming out of her ass.
“Arrrrrrgh!” She screamed, as I yanked my cock free. And then it happened.
Immediately after my cock popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea.

“What the―-?” I said, not able to get the word ‘fuck’ out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach.
“Oh. My. Fucking. God.” I murmured, completely shell-shocked. Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my dresser. I stared at my shit-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had poop on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: Killed in Action. A total loss.

I looked at my date, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, “Oh my god, what if she’s dead?” But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine. I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her ass rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic,” to describe this night.
I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don’t remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn’t come soon enough. “It was food poisoning,” her voice-mail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, “The fish.” More silence. “Sorry.” She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her. I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There’s only one other experience in my life that entered into the “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic” category, and frankly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell that story. Let’s just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. . .but she shouldn’t be more comfortable standing up while she pees.


Best of Craigslist The Worst "Anal Sex Accident"

Peanut Butter

My girl in ATL never lets me down when it comes to these stories, she’s told me so many and I know she’s not lying because somehow, someway they all intertwine into each other she just doesn’t say names. And let me say she’s got some wild ones too. So sometimes I ask, ”Hey isn’t that the same person that did…” she giggles and says yea. I have so many stories of hers in mind now because this has been my buddy for so long and we have a rule and it makes sense. If you have a story and it’s disgusting why would you keep it to yourself? Especially when you could watch, listen, or even read about someone else shuttering from image that you just brilliantly painted in their mind? Put it this way I have shared some of her stories with you all already.

A friend of hers, this dude always wanted his ass licked and she also has a girlfriend that loves having booty-breath. So she set them up for a weekend of fun. So they meet up at some spot and dude takes a shower, washes up and realizes when he’s done that he needs to take a dump. Handles his business and comes out and lies down on the bed on his stomach. She moves over top of him and lays down on him, and kisses his back as she slowly drifts towards his ass, soon she is face-to-cheeks and she spreads them and screams something about nasty ass muthafucka and peanut butter!


Anyway after this my girl tells me about how a lot of cats down there would take a woman that licks ass over a woman that gives head ANYDAY! I’m thinking this just cant be. Then one of my US Army buddies warned me, “Don’t let em lick ya ass man, that shit’ll turn ya out.” I came back with, “So does…” and he cuts me off, “Don’t… Just don’t do it man I’m trying to warning you man it’ll turn ya out.” Hell that was enough for me.

The Dentures

A friend told me about this story of humorous night clubbing of mid-thirties women night out at the club. I giggled my ass off when I heard the whole ordeal. 

    We all were going out one night and had a new member with us, we knew she was a little older but didn’t know exactly how much older and it really didn’t matter but when one of her girls yelled wait my mom is still in the house that gave them the info we needed.

    We get to the club, dance, and have a really good time with some fellas, finally when the end of clubbing draws near we go get some hotel rooms. Some suits with a few beds in each room (you know anything goes in ATL baby!) Soon after the lights go out there are some serious slurping sounds and the woman from the other couple start giggling and saying “dang girl you don’t waste time do you?”

    It’s not like she could answer, so to be “the woman who was not hard at work” gets up and turns the lights on. Shortly after the lights were on there was a long “UGH” sound that circled the room, this startled the both of them but when his sight cleared he freaked!

    So he finally saw what everyone else found so shocking. Now to some nasty cats this wouldn’t even bother them and being that this was down in the ATL I’m shocked it bugged him but when he looked to his immediate left on the little drawer he saw a cup with a set of dentures. He looks at her, she smiles this toothless grin, he jumps up and grabs his clothes and streaks out of the hotel butt booty ass naked.

    My friend continues to tell me she went walking downtown a few short weeks afterwards, she saw them in a restaurant sitting right next to each other and he was sitting to the left of her, and she notices that her right arm is dam near vibrating and the dude can’t even look up, she immediately turns around and leaves. She’s down the street when she hears him scream, “AHHHHH!”

The infamous Cum Rag

As told by a friend of mine, a few years back, I couldn't stop laughing. Enjoy!

    This happened a few years ago when my sister and brother-in-law were living with us while their house was being built. Now my sister and I know when our parents are ‘knockin-boots’ because they close the door to their bedroom and bathroom and the fan goes on. Now hearing the fan on in the middle of the day would make me want to go play outside in the middle of a hailstorm.

    Anyways, my parents did the deed one day while my brother-in-law was home. After they had-um-finished, lol, my mom had gotten a washcloth out and cleaned herself up and happened to leave it on the bathroom counter!  Now I know not to go near that bathroom for a few hours, maybe even the rest of the day. Let alone use anything lying around in there. But with my brother-in-law not knowing what closed doors and fans on in the middle of the afternoon meant, he went in the bathroom and started getting ready for work.

    I guess there’s no easy way to say this so he washed his face with “the cum rag.” My mom came in the bathroom and says, “Oh sweetie I just used that to wipe myself!” as my dad peaks his head around the corner. With the look on her face and the look on my dads face I think he realized what she meant by ‘wipe herself’ because he dropped the rag and hurled it in the sink and went to cussing like a sailor.


~Moral of the story don’t use anything that you have no clue of where it’s been especially washcloths~