Excuses We've all Used Them

    So what was the best excuse that got you off from work? I'm not  talking about a truthful one at that. I'm talking about getting away with some crap.  See I was working this gig that I would have had to worked to fired from, seriously. So I knew I was set but anyway there were plenty of days that I didn't goto work and a lot of them I didn't.  Sometimes even at work I used excuses to go home as everyone did, well let me break down the situation for you and get ready to get your giggle on. This Shit was priceless.

    I was working third shift and I learned a condition at work by this point that if you worked over 4 hours in one night they have to pay you for the rest of that shift even if you leave. I thought perfect cause I don't feel like being here anyway. So I walk downstairs to my boss's (man that word looks odd)office and he has his desk set up so he has his back to the door. He knows my voice, so when I speak he doesn't even turn around when I enter. I tell him my stomach is fucking with me man I need to go home, (now understand the whole point of this job is to push these last bit of parts out so we can close so why would we be in a rush and I mean we being the union workers) but anyway, he asks whats wrong I tell him again that my stomach is fucking with me (ain't a damn thang wrong either) then thats when I dropped the bomb..."Look man I shit on myself" and I had to say it just as serious and embarrasses as possible or it wouldn't have worked and once I said it I saw this cat's back bounce hes laughing, and so to fight my laughter I bolt out "Man its not funny!" he just waves and tells me to go home, so I waddle back to tell the good news to my cats on the line with a wink and I'm out The thing is, I have used this excuse twice once on first and then this time on third shift.

    I know people used to, have to come up with some sort of excuse just for taking items back to stores. I figure it doesn't mean that I am sure but I figure that women can use the "time of the month" one too to get off work but how many of you have been creative enough to say that you shit your pants with a straight face? I think I deserve an award, seriously.

So Unattractive

    I can remember in my younger years when one of my best friends brought me over to his woman’s house in a flimsy attempt to hook her “girl” up with a younger cat. Wow. Check the scene, I was nineteen, slim like a action figure and had a simple yet, pornographic idea of the type of woman I wanted to get close to, well shit get into. Not even then did I ever think I was all of that or even some of it but I knew what it was that I didn’t want. Since I wasn’t “getting any” at that time lotion with my lucky towel was and still is my best way of relaxation.

    My dude comes through and scoops me and we roll to his woman’s house mind you, both of these women are years, older than us. I think the term is “Puma”, you know under forty isn't a “Cougar” yet. The thought of that was hard for me to even think about taking that serious. Now the thought of an older woman is intoxicating, but then aw hell naw. 

    I come into the spot and the first thing I see is this chick sitting on the couch with her hand in her cotton jogging pants like Al Bundy. At that day and age, in my mind, she didn’t meet my standards. I thought, “Couldn’t she have found something that she looked like she could breath in? “ I mean seriously, she looked like she had her little sister’s clothes on! I tried to just walk past and go into the kitchen and give my dude's girl a huge piece of my mind but while trying to just walk past she reached out to try and stop me.

    Her hands were strong and rough kind of like the thought of when Jamie Foxx played Wanda with them big ass muscles in a dress. It felt like the roles had changed like I was the woman and she was the woman trying to “holla”. Can we say “UGH!?” Besides I can’t let the roles switch I'm the one with the damn dick it wasn’t going down like that, not to mention it happening like this made me think that she had been in jail before.

    So after my somewhat altercation with the female version of Boo-Boo-Kitty, I made my way into the kitchen to let this woman have it and she beats my conversation with a smile, an older sister kind of smile. She even says just be cool I know what your about to say, just do this for me. I can’t even speak; I just look at her with this “AREYOUFUGGINKIDDINME” look. I thought, was she asking me to just screw her for her? Hells naw. Hell fucking NAW!

    So it’s a little later in the night and we start to play some spades and usually I am into the game but this time “she” is sitting to the left of me licking her lips and all and I find none of this shit is even remotely sexy. So one time I wasn’t paying attention to the game and she reaches over and lays her manly-ass hand on my thigh and says “It’s your turn daddy” and giggles I swear (this was before Friday came out but you know how Smokey shook when ‘Janet Jackson’ reached out to grab his booty after telling her to never, eva-eva-eva-eva to come around). All I could think was “Daddy!” This grown-ass woman just called me daddy.

    I looked over at my dude and he had his head on the table because he couldn’t look me in the eye. His body was doing those dry heave type of deal but I couldn’t even force a smile to come to my face, this crap wasn’t humorous to me not even slightly and I am the person who used to get into trouble for just giggling. I looked over at his woman who was sitting right across from me and all she could do was look away with this goofy ass grin I wasn’t getting any kind of back up.

    Next thing I remember is being in my dudes two door cutlass. Two door mind you and of course I am in the backseat with this woman. She’s trying to snuggle up next to me which is physically pushing me in the opposite direction, I don’t even have a window or my own door. I must have looked like a Christmas ornament by how I was all up in that little ass side window. She was dam near sprawled out in the back seat and I wasn’t having any of it. Yea just some painful, painful memories of years ago…

The Dentures

A friend told me about this story of humorous night clubbing of mid-thirties women night out at the club. I giggled my ass off when I heard the whole ordeal. 

    We all were going out one night and had a new member with us, we knew she was a little older but didn’t know exactly how much older and it really didn’t matter but when one of her girls yelled wait my mom is still in the house that gave them the info we needed.

    We get to the club, dance, and have a really good time with some fellas, finally when the end of clubbing draws near we go get some hotel rooms. Some suits with a few beds in each room (you know anything goes in ATL baby!) Soon after the lights go out there are some serious slurping sounds and the woman from the other couple start giggling and saying “dang girl you don’t waste time do you?”

    It’s not like she could answer, so to be “the woman who was not hard at work” gets up and turns the lights on. Shortly after the lights were on there was a long “UGH” sound that circled the room, this startled the both of them but when his sight cleared he freaked!

    So he finally saw what everyone else found so shocking. Now to some nasty cats this wouldn’t even bother them and being that this was down in the ATL I’m shocked it bugged him but when he looked to his immediate left on the little drawer he saw a cup with a set of dentures. He looks at her, she smiles this toothless grin, he jumps up and grabs his clothes and streaks out of the hotel butt booty ass naked.

    My friend continues to tell me she went walking downtown a few short weeks afterwards, she saw them in a restaurant sitting right next to each other and he was sitting to the left of her, and she notices that her right arm is dam near vibrating and the dude can’t even look up, she immediately turns around and leaves. She’s down the street when she hears him scream, “AHHHHH!”

The infamous Cum Rag

As told by a friend of mine, a few years back, I couldn't stop laughing. Enjoy!

    This happened a few years ago when my sister and brother-in-law were living with us while their house was being built. Now my sister and I know when our parents are ‘knockin-boots’ because they close the door to their bedroom and bathroom and the fan goes on. Now hearing the fan on in the middle of the day would make me want to go play outside in the middle of a hailstorm.

    Anyways, my parents did the deed one day while my brother-in-law was home. After they had-um-finished, lol, my mom had gotten a washcloth out and cleaned herself up and happened to leave it on the bathroom counter!  Now I know not to go near that bathroom for a few hours, maybe even the rest of the day. Let alone use anything lying around in there. But with my brother-in-law not knowing what closed doors and fans on in the middle of the afternoon meant, he went in the bathroom and started getting ready for work.

    I guess there’s no easy way to say this so he washed his face with “the cum rag.” My mom came in the bathroom and says, “Oh sweetie I just used that to wipe myself!” as my dad peaks his head around the corner. With the look on her face and the look on my dads face I think he realized what she meant by ‘wipe herself’ because he dropped the rag and hurled it in the sink and went to cussing like a sailor.


~Moral of the story don’t use anything that you have no clue of where it’s been especially washcloths~

I'm Leaving You

I told her I loved her
She thought that meant that she could talk to me
Any 'ole kind of way and I would still like her
She thought that meant that she could treat me
Any 'ole kind of way and I would still like her
She thought that meant she didn't have to love
Me back and I would still like her



See she didn't understand
The difference between
Loving and liking
I always loved her
Through all the pain
She inflicted on me
I still loved her
But plenty of times
I tried to explain
I didn't like her

Which oddly made her nervous
I think she thought relationships
Were supposed to be this way
Since it wasn't me being the
Disruptive one, it was her job

She always complained about
How the men in her life were
All the same, yet it was her
Doing to me, what they did to her
Funny, that she didn't see it

Bye baby...

Is She Tornmenting me?

It would appear that she's tormenting me, there's not a smile to be seen and yet she doesn't look evil or mischievous or just plainly up to no good. See the thing is, we are supposedly giving each other some space, some time to think about things. This was her idea. I think, scratch that I know I smothered her. I think more than anything I showed that I loved her. Okay, I am thinking too much, and it hurts just to see this. I know that I shouldn't try to read this picture, that's silly it's just a picture...but I love her. Why the but, I have no idea like saying but has anything to do with it. Am I overlooking something? I know that I have made others feel this way, is this my payback?


I refuse to say stupid things like, "You'd do this if you really loved me." I'm not trying to use love as a leverage, but it does make me wonder. She has left a few times before due to us getting closer than she was ready for. I always came to her, and we started back up, so is she grooming me to be possessive? Is she trying to get me to always come back to her? I'm not sure if I am comfortable with that. Fuck, I know I am not, I don't own her and don't want to, but how bad do I have to feel to want to make someone stay with me? The past few days after seeing this picture I can't stop crying. It's been said that a man shows his weakness when he cries, and I feel real weak right now yet I can't stop looking into her eyes. Funny how I feel my strongest when I am doing the exact same thing.


It's also been said that if you love something, you set it free and if it comes back to you, it's yours. What about that time in the middle of the possible middle? How long am I supposed to wait? Is that an open ended invitation to come into my life whenever they want? How large is the window of opportunity? Are the windows of the same size and cost? How many times can they leave and come back? Do you see how I feel about that statement, I do understand but I don't live a fairytale life and have been on both sides of love.


I remember the last time I saw her, we had gone out for a little dancing. She looked so beautiful. I think what did it for me well besides the fact that my eyes could only see her, was the way she made me feel when she smiled at me. I love for her not for how she looks but how she makes me feel from something as simple as just thinking about her to how I feel when I am with her.


I tried to avoid my friends, I don't want to hear them that I need to let the thought of her pass. How can I? How can I begin to think of someone else when my soul only reacts to her? I'm not that good of an actor. I can't think straight, my thoughts are all over the place, I have to try and remember to forget her tomorrow...Fuck this will never end...

Touch it??

    I can remember back in my high school days when I would hear stories about how cats would "go down" on girls and would just get disgusted. I think it started with one time I went to a girls house when her mom wasn't there I was trying my hardest to have sex with her, but didn't have any condoms. Being a very horny teen that wasn't stopping me, or let me say that I was not trying to let that stop me from my mission but it bring her to an abrupt halt.


    The thing is she was thick as all out doors, and just seeing her drove me nuts. I had her come to the door completely naked except for wearing a bed sheet, I wanted to be able to just step on it as she walked away and have it fall down and have my way with her. So I make my attempts to improvise one of them was pretty humorous, and a testament to the horny male, saran wrap and a twist tie, she just giggled as we continued our make out session and she whispered in my ear that there will be plenty more times.


    So I am all between her legs, mind you she still doesn't have anything on but a bed sheet, well that was before we began making out, then all she had on was me. I'm still fully clothed, so while kissing we are grinding and everything, even stuck a finger or two inside. So that ends and she laughs at my reasoning, "Girl I'm only flesh and blood, we gotta stop."


    So I left and headed up to Mc-Donalds with one of my dudes and noticed that I had this crusty white substance all over my crotch, she must have been really wet, I told myself, and then a video flash ran through my mind, of seeing the porn star Mr Markus eating a womans pussy and seeing her tongue have this slight white film over it, quite disgusting, with the added affect of having these little bumps outlining his little chin beard too, yeah I told myself thats some shit I won't be doing.


    Anyway I can remember after all of that not being able to wash my hands, but still being hungry and so the dilemma arises. My dude notices and asks why I have my middle finger and my ring finger sticking straight up in the air and then he pauses and starts laughing and says, "Man someday you are going to have to let that go!"