So Unattractive

    I can remember in my younger years when one of my best friends brought me over to his woman’s house in a flimsy attempt to hook her “girl” up with a younger cat. Wow. Check the scene, I was nineteen, slim like a action figure and had a simple yet, pornographic idea of the type of woman I wanted to get close to, well shit get into. Not even then did I ever think I was all of that or even some of it but I knew what it was that I didn’t want. Since I wasn’t “getting any” at that time lotion with my lucky towel was and still is my best way of relaxation.

    My dude comes through and scoops me and we roll to his woman’s house mind you, both of these women are years, older than us. I think the term is “Puma”, you know under forty isn't a “Cougar” yet. The thought of that was hard for me to even think about taking that serious. Now the thought of an older woman is intoxicating, but then aw hell naw. 

    I come into the spot and the first thing I see is this chick sitting on the couch with her hand in her cotton jogging pants like Al Bundy. At that day and age, in my mind, she didn’t meet my standards. I thought, “Couldn’t she have found something that she looked like she could breath in? “ I mean seriously, she looked like she had her little sister’s clothes on! I tried to just walk past and go into the kitchen and give my dude's girl a huge piece of my mind but while trying to just walk past she reached out to try and stop me.

    Her hands were strong and rough kind of like the thought of when Jamie Foxx played Wanda with them big ass muscles in a dress. It felt like the roles had changed like I was the woman and she was the woman trying to “holla”. Can we say “UGH!?” Besides I can’t let the roles switch I'm the one with the damn dick it wasn’t going down like that, not to mention it happening like this made me think that she had been in jail before.

    So after my somewhat altercation with the female version of Boo-Boo-Kitty, I made my way into the kitchen to let this woman have it and she beats my conversation with a smile, an older sister kind of smile. She even says just be cool I know what your about to say, just do this for me. I can’t even speak; I just look at her with this “AREYOUFUGGINKIDDINME” look. I thought, was she asking me to just screw her for her? Hells naw. Hell fucking NAW!

    So it’s a little later in the night and we start to play some spades and usually I am into the game but this time “she” is sitting to the left of me licking her lips and all and I find none of this shit is even remotely sexy. So one time I wasn’t paying attention to the game and she reaches over and lays her manly-ass hand on my thigh and says “It’s your turn daddy” and giggles I swear (this was before Friday came out but you know how Smokey shook when ‘Janet Jackson’ reached out to grab his booty after telling her to never, eva-eva-eva-eva to come around). All I could think was “Daddy!” This grown-ass woman just called me daddy.

    I looked over at my dude and he had his head on the table because he couldn’t look me in the eye. His body was doing those dry heave type of deal but I couldn’t even force a smile to come to my face, this crap wasn’t humorous to me not even slightly and I am the person who used to get into trouble for just giggling. I looked over at his woman who was sitting right across from me and all she could do was look away with this goofy ass grin I wasn’t getting any kind of back up.

    Next thing I remember is being in my dudes two door cutlass. Two door mind you and of course I am in the backseat with this woman. She’s trying to snuggle up next to me which is physically pushing me in the opposite direction, I don’t even have a window or my own door. I must have looked like a Christmas ornament by how I was all up in that little ass side window. She was dam near sprawled out in the back seat and I wasn’t having any of it. Yea just some painful, painful memories of years ago…