The Big Payback!

 Since its getting close to Halloween I figured this would be a pretty nice spot to put in my thoughts about dirty tricks/revenge, tis-the-season right? Well these thoughts are mostly from conversations I’ve had and my own thought process as well so enjoy.

A few times I’ve heard of women Fed-ex-ing a plate of shit to their ex’s. In no place other than Hot-Lanta a cat comes up the destination and a man comes out of the house with this puzzled look on his as to why the Fed Ex man is making such haste with this package in the thick of summer. The man signs for the package and the Fed Ex man almost looks relieved as he hops back in his truck and speeds off almost as he is the culprit.

This is part one of a brand spanking new story. There is this man that gets pissed at his girl but refuses to break up with her, who knows maybe it’s the power of the booty, well one day while in the shower he was trying to focus during his very personal moment and he sees her shampoo bottle – oh yeah – over the next three days this bottle of shampoo had become his emptying pot.

He’d finish in the bottle, shake it up and go. In the mornings when he hears the shower running he smiles thinking he’s really stinking it to her when women pay for that kind of protein treatment all the time. The second act to this little display is a friend her of this story was curious as to if her hair could be positively affected by a mans love juice. So she asks her man to comply.

Well one night the baby daddy comes over and asks to use the shower and she gleefully lets him. He comes back so fresh/so clean and thanks her for letting him shower because hes going to see his new girl and says, “I hope you don’t mind, I used your shampoo.” Yea, she about spit up her coffee but kept her poker face and said no problem.

Now I’ve spoken to several people about these stories already and it was my cousin that I’ve so far had the biggest laugh because you know we have to go detail through disgusting detail. Thinking about what happens to shampoo in the shower in the face and mouth. That conversation immediately went from giggling to if that shit ever happened to me… Right you could figure the rest.

She's Brewing a Stink Bomb

She’s brewing a stink bomb, is what I told my friend the other day. In thinking about women passing gas and how they are atrocious, yes I said it freaking atrocious! The reasoning being this, when most men pass gas (fart) they genuinely don’t care about how loud it is or if someone smells it, in fact they regularly find it hilarious. On the other hand most women are easily embarrassed by the gaseous outburst. The thing is since most women won’t just push they feel as though they can lesson the stench by letting a little seep out at a time, especially when sitting down in a situation where they can’t just get up and leave. Now everyone’s had the bubble guts! It's a human function to have gas.

To me it's just funny because of the women that I've known they don't want it being announced or known at all, and the ones that don't mind or do want it known, they were completely rare kinds of people indeed. Well the thing about letting a little seep out at a time, it's like building an army. The more that comes out and gathers the stronger it gets. Most women that I know will not pull off the classic maneuvers like “The Leg Lift” or even “The Cheek Shift”. Take time to practice some of these yourselves, man I wish I had instruction videos to go along with these.

Where I am from its just called brewing. The person in question is usually sitting down in a chair so they figure they can let out a little of it out, and little by little the stomach feels completely relieved. The mission is secrecy. You know the whole who smelt it dealt it fashion. The thing is they haven't took in account is the getaway. Ask any bank robber in jail thats final act to the magic trick. So when she does stand up and prepares to make her exit, there's this purple haze behind her, and we all know about if you walk too fast after letting that blast go, you have a tail. So basically most guys will “bust ass” whenever or wherever he feels inclined to do so, but most women will not, she will save it and let it brew and build and thus concludes my hypothesis why women’s gas is much more potent and stronger than men.

Prarrie Doggin it!

 Back in basic training in Fort Lenard-wood (Fort Lost-In-The-Woods), Missouri our drill sergeants told us that they had killed about nine copper head snakes that morning and we were to be low crawling around in that same area later that day, so all I thought was shit, man if I come face to face with a poisonous snake I’ll just shit myself.

We had these harnesses on, that were similar to the ones worn with the famous game Laser-Tag. They marched us (the soldiers in training) down into the pit filled with tall grass, trees, and obviously fucking copperhead snakes. The drill sergeants and officers start off by standing on the hills and shooting down at us, (now everyone has blanks) and as soon as this started we all ran and hide behind the trees and shot back. Next the DS's (Drill Sergeants, yes for once I'm going text style) were standing out and getting popped all day but they never walk away its more focused on us, and if we get hit we have to do some insane sort of exercise that punishes us for getting hit. Now there is this rope that is stretched between two trees and we have to get passed this without getting hit and they are picking people off who get close to it.

So I cunningly made it pretty close to the line and the DS's shot at other people I would work my way up, but I could see one of them constantly watching my progress so I knew I would get more attention the closer I got. There was a few others that have tried but got plugged and I ain't going out like that plus I have a sudden problem! I am prairie dogging! If you haven’t seen the movie Rat Race, I’ll further explain like this and I really want you to do this, slide your tongue out of your mouth and pull it back a few times. Well yeah that’s what I was doing due to the M.R.E.’s they fed us earlier. M.R.E.’s are meals ready to eat, dehydrated food with their own heating source, well being that they are dehydrated this cause one to have a huge amount of gas. Well I could feel this extreme pushing and I was trying to reel it back, get it? Kind of like when you can’t get that pen to write and you keep clicking on it thinking that if it goes back inside and comes back out it will write better. It’s almost to the point where I need to hold the bottom of my pants like some 4 year old who just made a mistake. During this time, I notice that I'm not the only one with this issue, one of my fellow comrades fixed his situation, he simply popped a squat and took a dump right out there in the middle of everything but I wasn't showing my ass to no one.

So my time is running out and the officer kept his eying me. So the time is now or never and I looked down the line and see two other soldiers trying to go and it gets his attention and then I make my break for it, and its almost as if hell let them go just to keep me back, because they easily made it over the line and he continued his sights on me, it must have been my wise crack about how he looked like a 14 year old boy, anyway so I just back and grit my teeth because the pressure is getting intense. One cat was some cracking jokes and they were painfully funny but I can’t laugh for fear of them seeing me grow a tail. If you could have seen my face of determination I had you would probably pissed your pants laughing at me. So I turn around and to see the officers attention switch to someone else so I start running and the officer turns around with a smile like he was baiting me, and starts shooting and I am too far to turn back so I grit my teeth even more and the line is getting closer and closer. From two feet away from the rope I leap in the air with my rifle in my hands and do a roll and keep running. I can faintly hear the officer's voice as he was trying to tell me I did a good job because he didn’t shoot me and if he were in earshot he would have heard my response. 

She got me back!

Man check this out ...

So one night I'm walking into work

I am thinking about her, so I called

So in the middle of our conversation

I notice that her voice gets softer

The way she breaths gets deeper

And I ask, "The heck are you doing?"

I hear her smile, "You notice too much"

I laugh and say no you're not

She says, "I don't know, you tell me"

A few more minutes into the conversation

She goes off, and my speech came to a halt

I turned all different shades of orange

The way she sounds is driving me nuts

And I have four more hours to go

Fucking torture man, fucking torture

The Cuss Out!

One day one of my cats, asked me if I want to get out of the house. He needed to run an errand and wanted some company, so I said cool. I'm thinking this is going to be one of the regular days when he wanted to vent about his girlfriend, or just get out of the house but I couldn't anymore wrong. When he showed up he has his girl's son in the backseat, I didn't think much of it at the time. Now I know that this kid was a special case and I don't really visit my dude at his house due to how his girl and I get along (or don't get along), but regardless the son was being behaving, I think he was close to ten at the time.

When we make it to this store and my dude has to goto customer service line, so I take the opportunity to walk around and try to talk to some girls. This is when shit starts going haywire. The boy wants to follow me for some reason. I tell him to go back to stay with his moms boyfriend but he's having none of that and he has this smirk on his face too. So I figure I can lose him within a couple of isles, and he sees this as a game, I just don't want him around when I'm trying to talk to these girls. He really wouldn't help with the girl getting mentality. So we start out by the video games and I try to lose him in isles but he keeps finding me.

At this point talking to girls has become a moved point. So I figure at this time that we'll just walk around until my dude has finished his business, but he is nowhere near the customer service lane. I hear him giggling from the other isles, as he's calling my name out loud and all of these people are looking at me like he's with me. It is horrible. We started out on one side of the store and which is the more hardwares and now are making it over to the grocery side and this kid is in the bread isle and he's throwing loaves of bread over the isle and they are hitting me in the head (surprisingly he had great aim for not being able to seeing me). I'm pretty pissed about this and I can't yell at him, or do anything physically to this kid because people are watching. All of these moms are giving me this look, and telling their children to stay close to them. It's times like this where I think I am going to hear something over the loud speaker like, “Angry black man in the chips and pop isle.”

Finally we make it to the exit and there's my dude standing there, smiling cause he got his mission accomplished (at least one of us did). So the kid runs to catch up with him and I take this time to focus my breathing, I can seriously feel myself start to overheat and started thinking getting girls might not be the thing for me if it leads to this with kids. They make it to the car, and I hear it start up, I'm still on my cool-down stroll, finally after about twenty seconds I'm in the passenger seat and the door shuts. Now just let me say that I've tried very, very damn hard not to get to this point, but in my mind at that time it was unavoidable. I mean really we've all ran into a child that we wanted to pull aside and cuss their little asses out but it's just not right, right? So as the door shuts and my ass hits the seat, in record lightening speed I am on my knees, leaning over the back of the seat and I am face to face with this little fucks. I am giving him thee supreme cuss out of his life and he is leaning his head so far back it's like he wanted to hide in the trunk. It lasted all of two minutes or so.

When I finished I looked over at my friend and he looked as if he was frozen in time, eyes bucked, and hands gripped the stirring wheel. He asked, “Man what happened?” My only response that I could muster was, “Drive.” He made a comment about how quiet the boy was the whole ride and chuckled I still couldn't bring myself to a smile. The kid was quiet the whole ride home, but when we finally made it back to their apartment complex he hops out and yells as he's running into the apartment, that he's telling him mom. So she comes out and asks me how come I didn't spank him. My only response I can give before leaving was, “HE'S NOT MINE!”

Dumb Ass IM's

This one is going to be pretty short and sweet, well to me anyway. Through all the years of chatting I'm sure that we've all come across some people who think that you want to hear about every crazy detail of their lives, well this one is to them.

Them0235: OMG, I'm so fucking drunk tonight.

Me: OMG I'm so fucking sober tonight.

Them0235: Fuck you! LOL

Me: Like I give a shit... LOL

Them09832: So I had an interesting drunken tonight.

-----4 Minutes later------

Them09832: Are you still there?

Me: Yeah I'm here

Them09832: You didn't say anything.

Me: Yeah, I noticed that

Them09832: What's your deal tonight? Got some kind of 'tude?

Me: No, I just don't care to hear the details of your drunker nights.

Them#1crzybtch: Did I ever tell you about the time I had a 4-way

Me: I never asked

Them#1crzybtch: Do you want to know?

Me: I'd rather not.